Friday, January 29, 2010

Story # 249: One of life's many lessons

*This post is for me to come back and read when I am acting like a brat next time.*

Recently I came upon a photographer's blog and found out that she was going through the hardest time in her life. Her little newborn baby boy just passed away due to a disease I can't pronounce nor spell.

As I was reading her blog posts, I started to feel ashamed of myself. I have been pretty bummed with not being able to find a job at this time of my life. I kept telling myself I would be able to get a GREAT job because I am a college grad. Despite watching movies about college grads that can't find any good jobs (Nanny's Diary & Post Grad), I was very optimistic about my job-hunting prospects. Little did I know that a lot of things that you see in the movie can be pretty darn real sometimes. Welcome to real life. That's what my mom ALWAYS says. Go get a REAL job. That's what she always says too. For a long time I could not understand why she was so pushy and why she kept pressuring me to find a "good" job. Now I kinda do, even though our definition of a "good" job is still as different as heaven and hell. I feel like a leech sometimes. I truly feel that way even though my supportive husband is always so generous, kind, and supportive of me. The harder he works the more I feel like a bum.

I started feeling sorry for myself and constantly whining about how bad my life is. I know. What an ungrateful little b***h! I will spare you all the things my husband has to hear when I get in the "pity-me" mode, but I know I get really really depressed when I feel that way. Sometimes I would break down and cry like a baby--the kind of cries that you open your mouth really wide and wail. I often entertain myself with the thought of going back to Malaysia, thinking that it's going to make my life better. But I get pulled back to reality once the tears of frustration were dried by my husband's tender hand. Going back to Malaysia is not going to solve any problems. Yes, I might be able to get a job easier because people love college diploma from the U.S. But we'll have to sacrifice Mr.L's schooling to do that, and I will never let that happen. We are now at the point of our lives when we have to sacrifice pleasure and postpone major traveling plans for the sake of his BS degree.

As I was saying, while I was reading Natalie's blog, I couldn't help but dislike my ungrateful self. I have forgotten how fortunate and how blessed I am. I have received things from God and my husband with ungrateful heart, thinking that it was only natural that I get those blessings. Not only have I become ungrateful, I have also become a sour plum, rotten! I don't have to cry over a dying baby, praying for God to spare his little life, and attend his funeral. Yet, I acted like my life sucks so bad and that no one is more unfortunate than me.

It truly was a wake-up call after reading about Natalie and her little baby, Gavin. I am now trying to be grateful for all the little things I notice in my life. I know that I might slip and go back to the "Oh-I-am-so-pitiful" mode again but the next time that happen, I would give myself a big pinch in the butt to wake up and be grateful for my hubby, mom, dad, sister, best friends, families, health, and just for being alive. I learn from church this past Sunday that we need to accept our blessings with a grateful heart. If I don't stop being ungrateful, all those blessings that I just mentioned might be taken away from me. AAAA!!! I don't want that to happen.

Our dearest prophet said something really really GREAT:

We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues.

Thomas S. Monson

I want to be a virtuous person. I want to be thankful for all that I have, including the hardship that help me grow. I am sorry I am such a jerk when I become ungrateful. I want to change. For real, this time.

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