Sunday, October 02, 2011

Story #356: Meltdown

Yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, I had a few meltdowns. I don't know what was causing me to be so anger-proned but I was not my best self the past few days. I was tired and stressed-out. I was helping out at my friend's activity (for her MA project) at the ELC. I was there from 4pm til about 9pm (even though I was paid by the ELC, I was only paid for 2 hours of my work). Though I had fun helping out (I was doing some background/body swap editing on PhotoShop), I felt so tired. I talked to my friend after the activity and she told me this was one of the last things she had to do for her project.

 I was SCARED when I heard that. My goal is to graduate in June and that means I need to get my project done by February so I can defend in April, and then finish my coursework in June and graduate. I was overcome with a feeling of inadequacy (I think grad school make people feel that way all the time) and fear that I will not be able to my project done in time. Curse my professor for telling me to wait til Fall to start (he wouldn't answer my questions when I emailed him from Malaysia in the summer. He told me that I will know what I need to do when I take his classes in Fall)! Fall is here and I was finally able to get my questions answered (those questions I asked him in the emails were yes/no question. He only needed to tell me yes or no and then I would have been able to carry out my project while vacationing in Asia). WHY would he have waited for months to tell me what I needed to hear? Sometimes I REALLY REALLY want to freaking curse him!!

I think that one of the reasons I was suddenly overwhelmed and stressed-out was that I put all the deadlines of all the research papers (yea, on top of my MA project, I still have 2 other papers to do, and a ton of stuff to grade for my students) and assignments on google calendar and when I saw that there are A LOT of things due in the next couple of months (something is due every week), I panicked. Then I saw how messy my apartment was, I freaked out. A thought crossed my mind: I want to quit school. I am DONE with school!

That was what I wanted in the past few days. But I know deep down that I would regret that. I am so close to graduating and a few more months of hell isn't going to get in my way.

Thank God for general conference week because not only did I hear so many things that were meant for me to hear, I was also able to put things in perspective, picked up the pieces, and get to work again.

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