Tuesday, October 16, 2012

So how's the 4th week?

I am in a love hate relationship with motherhood. After my mom and sister left, I felt like my life was falling apart (okay, a little too dramatic here). I cried a few times a week because 1) I feel so lonely when it's just me and Liam at home. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with Liam, but I miss my mom and sister so much and their absence made me realized how much I need them and want to live close to them, 2) I feel like I don't know how to take care of myself anymore. I am always so tired and busy I don't have time to eat. I know that I have been spoiled rotten when my mom and sister were here cooking all of my meals, doing all of my chores, and taking care of Liam. Now I feel like I can only take care of Liam and do nothing else. My house is a total mess, my husband is eating cold cereal and pizzas, and I am dirty and unkempt.

I know this sounds insane, but sometimes I wish I am bald. I mean, who has the time to shampoo their hair and condition it when they have a crying baby on their hands? I have gone three days without washing my hair already and this is the longest I have gone and it is driving me crazy! The problem with having long hair is it takes longer to wash, to towel dry, to brush, to blow dry, and to brush for the second time. After all that work, I come out of the bathroom looking clean, fresh, and beautiful for like 5 minutes before pulling my freshly straightened hair into a high pony tail or a bun so that it doesn't get in the way when I am pumping (one thing I found out about pumping is you need to kinda lean your body forward when you pump so you milk won't drip out of the pump and down your body. Freaking annoying!!), or when I hold my baby. He is starting to grab my hair and putting it in his mouth now. So I was thinking...I should cut my hair short.

I also wish I don't have to eat. Actually, let me rephrase that. I wish I don't have to cook. It's such a hassle and a waste of time! I used to love cooking but now I hate it with every ounce of my being. I need someone to cook for me or plan my meals for me so I don't have to think about what to cook. I don't have time to think about what I want to eat. My brain cells are only for trying to figure out what my baby needs and taking mental vacations.

Yesterday was a happy day. The happiest I have been in the past week. It was Liam's one month birthday!! And I went and got a facial. I want to talk about the latter first. My esthetician was such a sweetheart. She was like my confidante. I told her all of the things that stress me out in my life and my baby blues. It was so nice to talk and have someone listen. And she is a mother of three so she gave me lots of good advice. While talking to her, something came to my mind. Like an epiphany, an inspiration. The word acceptance pop into my head. I realized I need to accept many imperfections in my life and lower my expectations. I can't expect my baby to not cry. I can't expect my husband to go to school, work, and wake up at all hours of the night to take care of the baby. I need to accept that I can't be a supermom (even though that's ALL I want to be right now): knows everything there is to know about taking care of a baby, has all the energy to keep the house pristine clean, and cooks gourmet meals for the hubster every day. I wish I could do all that. I wish so much I have the energy to wake up at 6am instead of 1 in the afternoon. I wish I could lose my baby bump and go back to size 1 in less than a month. I wish my breasts are overflown with milk to feed my growing baby. I wish, I wish, I wish! But I found that wishing for unrealistic things is harmful for me. I get discouraged, depressed, and angry. So yesterday, while talking to my esthetician, I feel the need for acceptance. I need to accept that while I would love to breastfeed, it is just not for me. I need to accept that some women just don't produce that much milk no matter how hard they pump or how much lactation tea they drink. I also need to accept that unlike the freaks of nature (quoting Hilary Duff here), some women just take longer to lose their baby weight. Instead of focusing on what I can't have, I need to focus on things like the pros of not breastfeeding (my esthetician gave me a list of that, and i am so grateful for her!). I need to not feel guilty to take a break from my baby to go get a facial. Finally, I need to count my blessings.

So, let me count my blessings.
1. I have a sweet one month old baby, who woke up only once last night. Woohoo!
2. My baby is a healthy baby. He is a fatty, yes. But he is healthy.
3.My baby is not a colic baby. He is easily consoled.
4. I have a loving husband, who is VERY VERY VERY patient.
5. My husband works hard to provide for us so I don't have to work.
6. I don't have to work!

Yea, I feel better. And I see a brighter future.

When he was born, his eyes were so small, and I wasn't too happy about that. But now I see that his eyes are shaped like almonds, like mine, and I LOVE them. 


After the bath.

One month old! Happy One month birthday, Liam! 

Wearing a shirt mommy has drawn on. I love using his clothes as my canvas.

"I told you not to water down my milk!"

First trip to the pumpkin patch

Multitasking at its best
Superman pose

By the way, if you have instagram (iphone/android), follow me! I upload pictures of Liam almost daily! 

1 comment:

Rita Whiting said...

Hi, Sharon --- I dearly love reading your posts, and looking at pictures of our sweet baby great-grandson! Your posts bring back memories of being a new mom "back in the day"! I can still remember feeling totally drained of energy, thinking I would NEVER feel human again and being totally sleep deprived--also missing MY mom and sister who came to help me. And by-the-way (please don't judge me) but I bottle-fed all 6 of my babies! And they slept better than most breast-fed babies I knew, and they have all grown up and survived just fine~! I wish I were there! I'd come over every day and hold precious baby Liam and cook for you and let you take naps in the daytime! We'll have to plan a trip soon, hopefully! You are a beautiful new mom, and Leighton has alway been a sweetheart -- so you are a lucky girl! Love you --- Granny (P.S. Tell Leighton that he gets more handsome by the day!)