Monday, December 09, 2013

Tough week...with a happy ending.

Last week had been one of the toughest weeks I experienced in a while. I felt tired. Tired of taking care of my baby, tired of TRYING to take care of my sick husband who in sickness was still working so hard on his last semester of school (thank God we are at his final semester!), tired of my handmade business that I am beginning to find quite mundane (please tell me you feel that way about something you feel super passionate about just less than 3 months ago!), and tired of trying to be strong for everybody. I think that sometimes you can will yourself not to get sick when everyone (just Liam and Mr.L, really) around you is coughing, having fevers, sneezing, and having diarrhea. When Liam coughed and sneezed in my face, I just told myself that I couldn't afford to be sick now. Not now! Not when it's almost Christmas! Not when your daddy is sick too. And I am not sick, yet. *knock on wood*

Yesterday I snapped. I simply could not do it anymore. I was stressed out. The stress that Mr.L was feeling (from his school and work) was stressing me out too. I hated having to be afraid to ask him if we could do something fun over the weekend or go on a date because taking him away from his work means more stress for him afterwards. I also hated myself for being so selfish! Why can't I just be a good wife and let him finish his semester in peace? Every date night we have in the past had been so great and I so cherished them because I get to have my husband to myself (no, Liam, daddy is mine!). 

But being the drama queen that I was, I made a scene (I know, I am embarrassed of myself too). While preparing dinner last night, everything came out. Words like "I don't feel loved because you are ALWAYS working!" came out. (Always always makes it worse, right?). After those words came out, I realized I can be pretty needy sometimes (and I hate that! I don't want to be or sound needy at all!). It was also then that I realized how stressed and unhappy I had been the past week when I felt like I cannot AFFORD to be tired. 

Being the sweet, sweet husband that he is, Mr.L wrote me a love letter. All of a sudden I see it. It was never his intention to "hide" in his office. It wasn't his intention to steal away from Liam when he wasn't looking so he could go back in his office and finish the term paper that was due in a couple of hours. It wasn't his intention to not watch "Toddlers and Tiaras" with me (well, maybe he really did not want to watch T&T) at night after Liam has gone to bed. He was just burned out. He did not take me for granted on purpose. He was just trying to do his best at being a good student, a good father, a good provider, and a excellent husband. He REALLY, REALLY was trying hard. 

I wish I hadn't snapped. I wish I hadn't said words that probably hurt him. I wish I hadn't made him feel crappy. He could only be happy when Liam and I are happy. All that he does and work so hard for is meaningful only because he's doing it for us. I wish I had seen it more clearly how important we are to him and how I can only be happy when I try to see things in a more positive perspective. 

There really isn't much I can do about our crazy life right now. School is hard, I know first hand. School with a toddler is SO hard, I can see that in Mr.L's eyes. But we can see the little glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel now. Graduation is at hand! Freedom is at hand! 

One of my favorite pictures of us! We were truly happy (well, most of us anyways, not sure how Liam really feels!)

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